A Rock In The Current
I grew up having to parent my parents and my siblings all while watching my parents get drunk and be abusive. It all got so bad so rapidly I physically started harming myself in 7th grade, but I shortly stopped because although I was hurting and I so badly wanted it to stop, I was so afraid to leave myself so scared of the unknown.. From then on, it was a battle mentally.
You’re too busy trying to get that love and validation your inner child wanted so badly.
I’m 19 years old now and I have my days where things start closing in and I feel I’d be better off not here. Feeling like my departure, would grant me a cure. From the sadness, the hurt, the grief, the pain that others inflict onto me, the embarrassment, the shame, the feeling that the void carries in your heart from trauma. In those moments of me wanting to leave Earth I’m thinking about all the things I’ll be free from. Only to realize I have been free this whole time. I have trapped myself, mentally.
You see, we do NOT get to control how people treat us it’s only always a reflection of them, but we do control how we react and how we let it affect us. I was so sad for so long... I just wanted to be loved and accepted by my parents. I just wanted to see my mother being unapologetically loved by my father and receiving that love from them and that love being distributed to my siblings. I can sit here and name all the things I want and wanted, but it wouldn’t solve anything nor take away my feelings or how I felt. If I decided to wallow in my feelings I would not be here today. I had to make the strongest decision of my life, to not internalize the fucked up negative feelings people project onto you.
Weak people are hurt, hurt people, hurt people.
When you grow up in an environment where you’re emotionally manipulated, abused, etc... You become a people pleaser, it’s harder to do things for you because you’re too busy trying to get that love and validation your inner child wanted so badly. I’m sorry if my story is a little everywhere, it’s fluid just like our feelings and journey. I’m grateful I’m still here. Want to know why? Because I finally found myself.
When your mind is a sponge, you soak things up, positive or negative. My mind soaked up negative. I was viewing myself through funky gunky lenses. I was not seeing the true version of myself. Maybe that’s the case with you. When I finally “saw” Myself, I realized how powerful I really am. How weak the people who hurt me really are. Weak people are hurt, hurt people, hurt people. Full circle. No internalizing anybody’s baggage.
I named this 'A Rock In The Current' because you know when you see rocks in the ocean getting hit by waves, currents, you have it; they are not swayed by the movement, they are not slayed by the clash of the waves. They are still and grounded. The rocks are well aware of who they are, and what they are so. The waves don’t sway them... Just like us. We are the rock. No matter how much you get hit, and how cold it feels, you are not ungrounded, you are not what they tell you. The impact doesn’t change you.
But, change starts within you. If I decided to let the impact of the waves affect my life I wouldn’t have known love. And by love I mean the love I give to myself. By standing my ground and setting boundaries I’m loving myself because I’m protecting myself. If I went through with my decision to give up on myself, I wouldn’t have met my friend years later who shows me motherly love and support unconditionally whenever I need it. I wouldn’t have had the chance to experience a new hobby, or see what I can create if I were to try. I wouldn’t have learned that I’m actually pretty good at mini golf, but that I actually get kind of mad when I lose (LOL). I wouldn’t have had the opportunity to help people who have been in the same predicaments as me. To be able to help someone, whom you see your hurt self in, is like you’re saving yourself... it’s that beautiful.
Please don’t give up on yourself. Do not wait for someone to bring you that yellow warmth of sunshine. Start now. Start today. Choose positive thoughts instead of negative. When the negative ones start to repeat, observe it for what it is, A THOUGHT. Nothing but a thought. A thought that can get lost in our thought stream and be gone ONLY if we fill up our minds with positive. Yeah, it’s not our fault that people will try to fill up our minds and hearts with negativity and evil. But it is up to us to pour that shit out and fill ourselves up with the things we seek and wanted ever so badly when we were children. I love you to whoever is reading this. Everyday is a battle. You determine the outcome, nobody else does. I say you’re a winner of that battle everyday. What do you choose? To be a winner, or to take that L and be filled up with negativity all your life?
After all, it is your life. Steer that gear.