Action, Reaction, Emotion, Outcome

I remember my first doctor appointment and when they asked me " And why are you depressed and when you first started to be depressed". And let me just say that's only the beginning. I was 13 about to be 14 held back a year for no more than my own faults. At the time I was taking ice-skating lessons and I had fallen and hit my head ,I mean stitches on the right side of my head is not a walk in the park but what happened next changed my life ,for better or worse ,now that will be my history .I ended up in a ER room and everything became a blur from doctor to doctor and then I was sent to my first mental health hospital for depression .it's crazy how that one little pill opened a door that should have never been opened ,but I didn't walk in I fell in going down a rabbit hole that was going to be the next 6 years because depression is not cured in a day as much as I want to believe it it was not . My first hospital I was admitted in was on my sisters birthday ,it's crazy how depression doesn't sleep ,but that's where my story begins .I was dumb ,scared,and lonely .I got to be honest the frost three to four hospitals didn't help because you can get help unless you want help .it's just like bring a horse to water and trying to make it drink .And man I was stubborn and hard headed .
Panic attacks ,a little bit more latter aka my first year in high school I didn't get any better .I was 15 years old and wanted the world to be handed to me. I'm sorry for what I'm about to say but ,you are only as good as the friends you hang around and oh boy I really did know how to pick them .my best friend was pregnant at 14. My boyfriend was smoking and doing weed at 15. And all of my friends where cutting and I was no different .I was cutting ,having sex, smoking weed ,vaping, and most of all I wanted a KID . Me at 15 thought a kid would fix my depression and anxiety .I'm not perfect I admit but man was I stupidly irreplaceable. I was in and out of hospitals and thought a child would fix my problems .anyway by my sophomore year of highschool birth control became a thing. But by that time I was addicted to all the mental meds they had given me and I felt like I would die with out them .
  Birth control ,for my sophomore year and a little bit of my Jr Year was all a blur ,from the meds and all my doubts of even staying in school I barley made it though Jr Year .I still was head strong about a kid tho so I was no better but no worse .I had a boyfriend who waned a kid as much as I did but yet neither one of use had a job or any other means of support for a kid .
    My last hospital ,it go without saying I left the middle hospitals out but I would be lieing if I said I remember them . BUT the last hospital was very vivid .I begged my mom to go in and I wanted to get better and that's what I did . After years of hating myself and doing everything in my power to hurt myself and find any reason to never get better ,I went in to that hospital and let me tell you I was hitting my thoughts a hole different way .
While in the hospital .I would be lieing if I said I went to all the therapy sessions and drank there cool aid about how there program guaranteed results but to be honest I slept ,and I slept . I slept till I couldn't sleep no more and I ate every meal I didn't necessarily keep it down but I ate a slept as if the last 3 or 4 years of no sleep where catching up with me .
After that ,like a cool skate board trick I did a 360 I made big changes ...is what I would like to say but ,like I said depression is not cured in a day it took about a year after that .I'm 19 now and let me tell you it is crazy .
It's crazy . Lol a week after the last hospital I had contacted my dad ,side note my mom left my dad and took use with her so I have never seen or heard from him my hole life I was 17 about to be 18 and I was scared as sh*t but he answered and it's crazy how long we talked I thank my mom couldn't pry me away from my phone even if she had a crowbar . I went to visit him for the spring break of 2020 and you know what I'm about to say .
COVID 19  ,it hit and let me say it hit HARD . The day after my dad dropped me off at my moms house our area shut down ,and to make matters worse I couldn't leave the house ,oh my god I think I cleaned every part of my house like five or six times each but it was never fully clean I think my dogs where vary confused enough to where even they where just like leave me alone I'm trying to sleep.
The move ,now let me be honest with you I love my mom but I wanted to get to know my dad ,so I left to live with my dad and his wife and my bearded dragon was along for the ride .I moved in the summer of 2020 and let me tell you it gets crazy .
The summer of 2020 ,it was short ,and then the school year started and I was entering a new school and in my senior year and it was full of ups and down ,to be honest I'm a city girl and when I moved I moved to the country ,can you say culture shock but man we have land for days and to be honest I didn't know my numbers cows and so skittish they jump at everything .
I graduated ,hehe I'm not sure if it was all the late night studying or the hours and hours I spent studying but I did it .and now I'm 19 years old and I realized that if I had killed myself at 14 I would have never known that my life hasn't even started and I got the rest of it to live .so here's to new beginnings and to you skittish cows next door, don't be scared just know it's a trash can on weals but life is worth living . - form the eye of a grate big storm and all the things I have yet to learn.

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