Birds & Boys

Flying down a barren California interstate highway. I’ve given up, but the notebook I carry says otherwise. A plan was devised, a last grasp of hope. The plan, playing through my head on repeat. Fill my pockets with rocks and jump. But, what’s life without choices? I was going to leave it in the hands of strangers. The notebook was meant to be filled with stories and words of encouragement from strangers.
I never did get a single pen mark in the damn notebook.
I was willing to give fate a chance to stop the decision I’ve worked towards for so long. I drove to another state, so as to not be stopped. This decision was between me and the ocean. Nothing else. I had envisioned maybe having this beautiful moment, of approaching strangers genuinely asking for help, and to share our stories. Once I arrived though, I quickly realized that I suck at approaching people to spark up a conversation.
I stopped off at a mall. People watching. Parents, kids, couples… Life. Just, living. Who was I to bother someone else’s day with my suicide? So I walked, aimless in intent. The worst thing I’ve ever done. I found myself inside a Zumiez or something, some young associate guy came up and asked me if I needed help with anything.
I instantly just blurted out, “Hey uhh… I’m here to kill myself. Just kind of taking everything in, and maybe talk to some people before I do”. Understandably this dude was stunned and just said a simple “oh.” I responded with “yeah… Just killing time, I suppose” (even in sorrow, my dark, shitty wordplay humor can’t be stopped). He said “yeah.” And with that I said goodbye and walked back out.
If you’re out there, somewhere, Zumiez Kid, I am so, so sorry to have done that to you. I’m fine now though, everything worked out. I hope you had a better rest of your day.
ɸ
Today, I live each day as if it is borrowed time. Death is a shadow that watches my every move. To be so close to dying, or at least the decision of dying. What an important lesson to learn. Nowadays, everything I get to experience is an absolute privilege. I am thankful to sit in traffic, to do the dishes, to wake up in the morning and go to work. Because there is alternate reality where I simply do not.
I get the opportunity to look at birds doing their own thing. There is nearly an infinite number of dogs I get to meet (I’ll even get to pet some of them!!). There is still so many jokes to be laughed at. I get to do things like the Stay Awhile Project and hang out with all of you guys.
If I left this Earth, I would have never met my three nephews, with a fourth on the way. I would have never been Spider-Man for my oldest nephew’s 5th birthday, being chased around the yard by a group of 30 sugar-rushed children. I never would have been able to see the absolute magic in their eyes at the gates of Disneyland. I don’t know what the future holds for those children, but I know I want to be here to experience their growth. To celebrate and honor their lives. To lay down my own experiences, so that they may exist atop my shoulders.
I am forever thankful that I can be an uncle to those boys, and not just a story ending with “I really wish you boys had the chance to meet him”
Δ
If you ever need to talk, please don’t hesitate to reach out. Shoot me an email or a message on our social media. Seriously. I’m always up for conversation.
-Therdune

2 comments

  • I love you too Mom. Thank you, for being there for me at my darkest.

    Therdune
  • Son,

    I am so glad you decided to stay. I can’t be without you! I love you so much and I am proud of you.

    Love,

    Mom

    Mom

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