I Don’t Know How You Repay Someone For That

Last year was tough to say the least. My husband caught me texting a friend and he doesn’t allow me to have friends. We fought and he ended up raping me that night. Some people say that I can’t call it rape because he is my husband but when a person says no it means no. After that I started therapy and taking medicine to help me through the days. I would have anxiety attacks out of nowhere. I started doubting myself in all aspects of my life. I didn’t want to get out of bed most days but being a mom and working full time that wasn’t an option. I decided I needed out. I tried looking for places to live and inexpensive lawyers so I could get divorced. I didn’t have the slightest clue where to start and everything turned out to be a dead end. I ended up getting fired from my job which only caused me to feel worse. I had never been fired before and with no income I felt stuck. One day it all became too much to handle. I wrote letters to my kids saying how much I loved them and how amazing they are. I cried a lot writing them. I texted my sister who lives on the other side of the country. She called me and I didn’t answer. She must have called 100 times that day. My doorbell rang and I don’t know why but I answered it. It was an officer and a paramedic doing a well check because my sister called them and asked them to check on me. I wonder if I hadn’t opened the door that day if I would be here writing this now. They took me to the hospital and then I was admitted for a 72 hour evaluation. 72 hours turned into a week. I was allowed three 15 minute phone calls every day and I called my kids every chance I could. They didn’t understand and were sad that I wasn’t home to kiss them goodnight. I ended up missing my daughters birthday and I realized I would miss so much more than one birthday if I had taken my life that day. I would miss every good night kiss, every birthday, every milestone from first dates to grandkids and everything in between. Having lost my mom at 30 and not handling it well I couldn’t imagine doing that to my 8 and 9 year olds. They need me as much as I need them. I still think about it and cry. At first I was angry at my sister but she saved my life and I don’t know how you repay someone for that.

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