I Forgave Myself After Sending You To Heaven

This is a hard story for me to tell. It's one that I have NEVER been able to tell before. It was 1998 and I was a month shy of my 19th birthday. I had just discovered the clubs down in the Flats in Cleveland, Ohio. My co-worker *Mindy took me down to The Beach Club. It was loud, crowded , and crazy. After spending a few weekends watching people get drunk and fall off the bar after dancing on it, we decided to invite some guys we had met at a local car repair shop; *Jake and *Dave. I remember it was a fun night and even though I was underage, I did drink quite a bit. Back then they didn't have an issue giving someone two drinks in which that person usually gave it to a friend. Jake, Mindy, Dave came back with me to my apartment after the club closed. I lived alone, neither of them did. As you can pretty much guess, things happened while Mindy and Dave were in the living room and me and Jake were in my room. We all had a hangover the next morning but during the brief time we all spent together, Jake and I decided to keep seeing each other. Mindy and Dave had some issues. After a few weeks of "seeing" Jake, I suddenly wasn't feeling well. I talked to another co-worker, *Jenny about how I was feeling since Mindy and I weren't on speaking terms at that time. She had a habit of changing friends every so often when she didn't get her way. Jenny then asked me when I had gotten my last period. It was then that I realized what could've been wrong. I wasn't on birth control because I hadn't been seeing anyone. Jenny gave me a ride to the store and I got a pregnancy test. I took it as soon as she dropped me off at home; it came up positive. I cried my eyes out for the longest time. I got on the phone the next day after I had calmed down and called Jake. He was NOT happy about it. I told my mom and she cried. I continued to go to work even though I couldn't focus. I was so worried about what I was going to do. I finally made an appointment to go to the doctor. My mom went with me, as Jake wanted nothing to do with the baby...or so I thought, and I received an ultrasound of the baby. I was nine weeks and six days along. It was too early to tell what it was but I loved seeing the little heartbeat on the monitor. I had Jake come over to see the ultrasound and to tell him when the baby was due. I still don't understand what happened next but his eyes seemed to darken and he started threatening to take the baby away from me. I didn't have a license or a car and a minimum wage job. I don't even remember everything he said that night, I just remember being scared about what I was going to do. I had no one to talk to; no one to inform me that what he threatened to do was never going to happen. Mindy told me she went through a similar situation with a guy she was seeing years ago and she got an abortion. I told her there was no way I could do that. I told my mother what Mindy had said and after a long silence, she agreed with Mindy. I was shocked and we spent hours talking about it and in the end, I made the decision to terminate my pregnancy. Mindy talked to Jake and he decided to pay for it. The day I went to the clinic I was a nervous wreck. I talked to a counselor and told her the situation and she told me that termination was my best option. As I lay on the table and they started the sedation, I panicked and changed my mind at the last minute. I'm not sure if the medical staff thought I was reacting to the medication or what but when I tried to get up the nurse held me down and said it would all be over in a minute. Before I knew it I got some cramping in my stomach and the doctor said I wasn't pregnant any more. From that day forward I have regretted it and if I knew then what I know now it never would've happened. Even though my mom passed away years ago, she always said it was the best decision I made considering the circumstances. I wasn't able to officially find out if it was a girl or a boy but I have always "known" it was a boy. I had spent years wracked with guilt and unbearable pain that I couldn't bear to tell anyone about because abortion is still such a taboo subject. It took me over 20 years to forgive myself after begging my son's forgiveness as well as the Lord above. I know the day I sent him to heaven was the worst day of my life. I also know the day will come when I will be able to see him again and I can't wait to finally hold my baby boy in my arms.

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