Why Would You Think No One Loves You Or Wants You
Hello my name is [REDACTED], also known as Chef Rambo to most closest to me. I’m 34 years old, a sin city native and will probably live here all my life, its home. I’m a single mom to a beautiful 8 yr old whos wilder than anything I have ever dealt with in all my life. She’s the better part of me, and the true joy of my life. Life before a few months ago did not make any sense for me. I walked through life with my eyes wide open but closed from the inside out. Everything I ever dealt with in my past made me who I was and pretty much brought me to the lowest point in my life. Which was suicide.
Dealing with life, being a single mom, working on my career, dealing with people who truly never had my best interest and having family issues that were never ever really discussed or dealt with. Brought me down to my knees, literally. On May 21st, 2019 a day which started out to be such a sweet day. The day of my daughter’s kindergarten graduation. I knew this day was coming, not my suicide but the day in general because everything in that day I planned, minus the suicide.
I planned a little get together for my baby girl. I made her favorite dish Pozole, a traditional Mexican dish. I invited all my family, well the ones who have been there for my baby. I wanted to make her day so special so she felt special and loved. I have always struggled with the thought that she’s missing something or I don’t want her to feel like she’s missing something or needs something...
With that being said her father isn’t and hasn’t been the best person in her life nor mine. I have always tried to be the bigger person and sucked up everything he ever put out because I wanted them to have a relationship like I had with my father. But I have learned that you can’t force any one to change because you want them too.
Prior to the 21st.. I was dealing with work, a nice promotion was coming up. A promotion a few people wanted, but deep down I knew I had it. I worked hard for it, but because people hate and get jealous I let what I wanted so bad slip out of my hands. My So-Cal work best friend, practically a little sister. I let her and her family in my sisters home, I bent over backwards to get her what she wanted and to always make her feel like she was wanted and there with us.
At work I got into a lot of bad mess because I chose to always step up for her. Fights with one of my bosses, to the point it strained our relationship. Mind you my boss always warned me about that said friend.. but because I don’t like to judge people based on others point of view I took things into my own two hands.
Like most friendships things start of rocky sometimes but we became unstoppable. If I wanted something she did it for me and I did the same for her. To the point I talked Chef’s ear of to get her a raise, and she got it. Work was a mess but because I love cooking so much I never really stepped back and looked at the bigger picture. A few of us at work started going out after work, drinking, dancing.. and one of those people was our Sous Chef we’ll call him Poacher.
Well as time went by Poachers father was sick and passed away. Being the nice person that I am, I pick up on energies peoples emotions and that doesn’t lead me to good things sometimes. We’ll one of those bad things was Poacher, one day during service I walked past the dry storage and I saw Poacher in there crying. That alone broke my heart because I know the feeling of loosing your father. So what did I do, I went in there and tried to console him.
Things after that changed between us. After work he would walk me to my car and we would sit there and he would vent to me, and because I’m such a good listener I sat there and let him vent and pour his emotions onto me. One night we had one to many drinks and we kissed, well he kissed me and well I didn’t push him away.. from that night on we became even closer than I was with my friend. We will call her Karma.
At some point I wasn’t aware of how karma and poachers relationship was. It was always something, poacher would talk bad about karma and karma would do the same. Me being so naïve that I was I never saw the truth or never thought anything bad about them because I felt like I knew them both in the end now I know they slept together and karma the whole time was playing me to just get back at him. A few days before my accident things hit the fan.
It was May 18th... I took my daughter to school like normal and when I got home I got a call from a lady. Right of the bat she starts asking 101 questions, who am I to her husband.. and why was my number in his phone bill just a few nights ago. Which her husband was a coworker who I didn’t really care for. Yes I did call him a few days before but it was work related, which I explained to her and she understood. But what she couldn’t understand was the thousands of calls there was between karma and her hubby.. mind you Karma is married. I was shocked as well because the whole time they had a secret 3 month relationship behind my back. I told this girl everything, when I say everything I mean everything.
So the lady was mad and crying and I kept trying to calm her down letting her know I was sure it wasn’t what she thought. After that call, right away I got a call from karmas husband flipping out asking question after question because he knew how close karma and I were. But I couldn’t answer any of his questions because I myself didn’t even know what was going on. Well what did karma do, she made it look and sound like I was the one who was sleeping with the ladies husband and that I would use her phone to text him. Mind you I was single at that time so there was no need for me to use some one else’s phone.
So the lady called me screaming bloody murder, I got called every name in the book and I took it. Because in that moment I knew karma was trying to save her marriage. So I said I did sleep with her husband and it was me who texted and called him. The lady threatened to come to my job and expose me mind you at that time I didn’t know she use to be an old boss at a restaurant downstairs. So I freaked out and I called Chef. We’ll call him Chef Trust. Chef heard everything I said so when I went into work, security was already told no one could come into the restaurant or the kitchen without permission and letting Chef Trust know first.
Work was a mess that day. Chef Trust was pissed all day.. want to know why.. well long story short karma and Chef Trust had a side thing going on and yes I knew. I didn’t care because I still got my work done and we pretty much got away with whatever we wanted because karma was eating Chef trusts ding dong. So yea chef was mad mind you I hadn’t told Chef poacher what happened because I was already stressed out with the thought that this lady was going to show up and I pretty much was going to go head on with this lady to save my friends relationship.
All night karma kept trying to talk tome but because I was so mad and hurt I did my best to ignore her. The lady never showed up at work but she did call my job. Her whack husband told her I was sleeping with Chef poacher and because the lady knew who Chef poacher was she called and asked to talk to him. In the middle of service I saw Chef poacher walk in and by the look in his face I knew he knew. He treated me like shit all night but I took it. I got into it with my supervisor she's the one who always warned me about karma. It got so bad to the point I walked out in the middle of service because my anxiety got the best of me, I didn’t leave work just went to the bathroom to cry and came back to finish work and I left at the end of the night. I didn't say bye to any one. I just left. And that was the last time I saw all my co workers.
The weekend sucked, I tried my best to not think of the work mess but the lady kept calling and calling and karma wouldn’t stop texting me and poacher kept texting me saying how could I embarrassed him like that at work, mind you he wasn’t my boyfriend. But I took everything he said because still after everything I was still protecting karma. May 21st came and I got everything ready for my baby girl. My day was still horrible but I still pushed on. By that time my mom was on my case, if I had asked my sister if I could throw my daughterthe party. Which yes I did ask. We live with my sister and brother in-law. My mom had always had something to say about how I lived my life or did things for my daughter. So dealing with everything and then having to hear my own mom bash me and what I was trying to do for my baby like I was doing wrong when deep down I knew I wasn’t doing bad.
I let her words get to me but I still pushed forward. I went to my babies graduation, my sister and brother in-law and his mom came with me. Once it was allover we took pictures with my baby outside of her school and those were the last pictures I took before my accident. Day day went on it was around 6pm that day and the house was full of family and my baby was happy. My little brother was there, but even though he was there we weren’t talking or he wasn't tasking to me and that too was part of my anxiety.
I had people over who loved my daughter so much but I couldn’t be around because I was always made felt like I wasn’t crap. My anxiety got the best of me and I had to step away and I went into my room Upstairs. I broke out crying like bawling crying and I couldn't stop myself. My sister in-law came in, my little brothers girl. She was checking on me and she saw me crying.
When she came in I froze and thought "shit, someone saw me" and instead of talking to her I turned her away and told her I was fine. But I really wasn’t, and in that moment not even thinking with no thought in my head I told myself I needed to leave before something happened, I had a huge bad feeling in my stomach but in that moment I didn’t see that, that feeling would lead me to a bad path.
I got my purse packed some of my baby’s things, pictures some of her favorite toys and a notebook and I walked downstairs and the first person I laid eyes on was my little brother and me being the bigger person that I am I went up to him and hugged him, then I looked around but because my mind was already closed off I didn’t pay no one any attention. I went up to my baby and I told her I loved her and that I would be right back. My sister asked me where I was going and I told her I forgot something at the store and that I would be right back, and I left.
When I say I had no feeling or emotion in my body in that moment that nothing any one said would stop my next steps. I didn’t even know what I was doing. I left and drove to Walgreens and I got a tall can of beer and 2 bottles of sleeping pills, still not thinking of what I was doing or going to do. I drove to motel 6 a place not many knew I would go there a lot with an old friend. Only my brother in-laws mom because I told her everything that went on In my life as far a sex went. So I get into the room and I light a blunt and open the can of beer and I opened both bottles right away and I chugged them both over 250 pills.
I sat on the bed a wrote in my note book I left my daughter, my sister and brother in-law and my little brother a note. I time stamped everything as I was writing, I guess so they would know where I was and what time. When I was writing my brothers note I noticed I was getting sleepy fast like super fast so I got up and went into the bathroom and my crazy as decided to take a bath. Maybe that would help me just rest. The thought of suicide never crossed my mind not once nor did I think I was going to die. I got in the tub and passed out, for 20 something hours.
I sat in the tub sitting on my legs like I was praying with my hands on the tub and my head laid on my arms. I never turned on the water. I woke up with the sound of a man yelling my name out, and I tried to get up but I was stuck I couldn’t move my legs. The ambulance guy broke the door down and they got me out the tub. They had to carry me out the room and it was early in the morning because all I could remember was every one outside just starring at me.
I saw my sister and brother in-law as they carried me down the stairs, then I saw my daughter walking with my dad. Mind you my dad had already been dead for over 15 yrs and my daughter was the size when she was 2 or 3 yrs old. And I passed out again, I woke up in the emergency room. With my sister and brother in-law, my little brother just starring at me and the first thing my brother in-law said was, why would you think no one loves you or wants you and he broke out crying.
I had never seen him cry like that before. I tried to pull myself up but that’s when I realized I couldn’t move my legs and I passed back out. I still had all the sleeping pills in me that I kept going in and out of sleep and every time I woke up I saw some one new in my room. Days past and I was put on a watch for like 2 weeks. I couldn’t brush my teeth, hold a brush or spoon I was monitored like hawk. And I couldn’t see my baby at all and that made me more angry...
Because I felt asleep on my legs, it caused me to loose all the moment from my waist down. The doctors couldn’t give an explanation on what was going on with my body or if it would ever go back to normal. My kidneys were messed up. My pee was black for a while. Every nurse that came in preached to me about God and life and how I should pray more, but because I was so mad inside that I lived and now I had to face every one made me so embarrassed and a shamed to be alive.
I finally got to see my daughter which felt like forever. She cried so much when she saw me as I did too. But I tried to be strong for her because I knew by the look on her face that I messed up. I almost left her behind and broke her little world. My mom was with her as my sister too. My mom being the non emotional person that she can be, tried to tell my baby not to cry, to pretty much suck up her feelings. I didn’t let her, I told my baby to cry, that it was ok and that I was sorry.
My sister being the angel she is she didn’t tell my daughter anything as far as my daughter knows till this day is that I got injured at work. When she’s older, that’s a conversation I will have with her because I don’t ever want her to feel like I did or do what I attempted to do. The day came when I got transferred to a rehab place to help me learn to walk all over again.
I got introduced to my buddy the walker and it became my best friend for the next 6 to 8 months. During my stay at the rehab place I finally asked my sister for my phone. I hadn’t seen it in over a few weeks. I didn’t want to hear from anyone and before I passed out I sent chef trust a text and let him know I hated my job so much and I hated being here and that I was sorry for not being the person he thought I was, I sent chef poacher a text as well telling him he sucked and then karma I told her her I wasn’t mad at her but I was really hurt by what she did and all the hurt she brought to me.
Me not even thinking may 21st was her birthday. So my suicide attempt was done on her day. So I turned the phone on and a million messages came through.. from different family members asking if I was ok and where was I. Texts from both chefs.. chef trust was so worried, chef poacher was pretty much whatever.
I avoided everyone for a while I only texted chef trust because he helped my sister get all my disability paper work together and I wanted him to know I was ok. Days went by and I texted karma. My sister told me she kept calling her and texting my sister asking about me but because my sister wanted me to be okay she never told karma anything mind you at that time my sister didn’t even know what karma had done.
So one day I texted karma and we texted back and forth and I asked her to come visit me that I wanted to talk to her but that I didn’t want her husband to come because there was things we needed to talk about with out him being there.. the next day she came at night but her being the coward that she is she showed up with her husband ..
The whole time she just sat there, while her husband scolded me saying what kind of friend was I for putting karma through all that mess and she never said anything.. I ended up pushing the nurse button and told them I was tired and they made them leave. And I haven't seen karma since.
Poacher stopped by once after work but him being him, nothing much was said about my accident. It was all about his drama with his baby mamas and I listened to him vent and then he left. I spent the last two years working on my walking and my mental health.
I got sent to a therapist and I was put on depression medicine, I don’t know how many I tried and how many made me feel worse and worse, my thoughts were crazy and then I got sent home and I would do physical therapy at some location and I would work on my progress.. My depression didn’t get better, I hated life even more. I had to depend on every one to help me to get me food to take care of my daughter. It was a mess.
Every day I woke up I wished I hadn’t. My depression got so bad to the point one day I cried to my sister that I couldn’t do it anymore that I didn’t want to be here.. that I didn’t deserve to be here after what I did. I’m so blessed to have her in my life, she never gave up on me. Growing up we didn’t have the best relationship . My mom didn’t make things better.
I went through a lot as a kid. From being molested by my moms little brother, to being raped by a person who I thought was a close family member to a boyfriend I had at that time. Then my dad passed away when I was 14 years old and after that my life went bananas. I ran away so many times. I moved 123 times from the time I was 14 to the times I was 26 years old. Yes I have every date I moved written down in a journal, as a reminder I have to work hard to not let my daughter have the se feelings or let her go through what I went through..
Having my daughter this has been the longest time I have been in the same place for the last 8 years, my daughter bettered my life but before my accident I didn’t see how much I brought to her and how much she brought to my life and heart. Bad relationships didn’t help me having daddy issues and all the other crap didn’t help any one of my relationships I had. I made everything I touched bad. Nothing or no one ever wanted to be with me because I was a broken mess.
After my accident I got to talk to my sister and little brother about everything, I had no choice but had nothing but time to vent about everything. They finally saw and understood why I was the way I was and why my relationship with my mom was so crazy. Talking to my mom was work and we still have our days but I’ve learned to pull back and say no to what hurts me or whatever makes me feel bad about myself. There was never ever nothing wrong with me it was always every one around me making me feel less than what I really was. I didn’t value myself or my body. I drank so much back then and smoked weed to cover whatever emotion I did have left inside of me that I blocked every little positive thing that came into my life.
I’m alive today because my sister didn’t give up on me.. she and my brother in-law spent all night driving around Las Vegas looking for my car, luckily my sister asked my brother in-laws mom if I ever talked to her about places I would go because she knew I talked a lot to her.. and she told my sister I use to go to a motel 6 but she didn’t know where but that was yrs ago.. I cant remember the time exactly but I know it was early early in the morning, my sister and brother in-law drove by the motel 6 and my sister got sick, she threw up and they pulled over behind the motel and she got out and walked behind the motel and she saw my car.
They tried to get the hotel lady to open the room but because they didn’t know how I would be they had to wait on the ambulance to come. Well in that same moment a car got pulled over right next to the motel and my brother in-law explained to him what was going on, the person who got pulled over got let go and the cop was able to get the ambulance there and they saved my life. A few hours more and I would have been gone for sure.
I call my sister my angel in disguise, she has been there for 3 major accidents in my life to where I was always close to dying and this time she managed to save my life. And I forever owe her my life, she doesn’t see it that way of course. After I broke down crying to her and I told her I couldn’t do it, that I wasn’t working towards anything better that I felt worse about myself, she got me to call my therapist and they changed my medicine it still wasn't good enough time went by and I pretended to be ok but I had another breakdown and the next day my therapist upped my medicine, I stopped going to physical therapy because in my head I knew I wasn’t going to get better walking wise, that I was going to be in a walker forever..
With time I went from the walker to a cane, my depression medicine got upped once more and things started to get better. It got to the point my sister took my cane away and made me walk with out it, I was limping everywhere but I wasn’t depending on the cane anymore, I started physical therapy again but then stopped because I felt like I wasn’t doing nothing there to help me get better faster I wanted to be running already. So I stopped going again and focused on working out at home..
Two years later I hit my two year mark on May 21st 2021. And I’m 90 percent there. I started walking in the mornings, I would look for the farthest place outdoors and I would walk for and hour and a half and then come home and get my baby ready for school and get my day going.. just 4 months ago something in me snapped back into place mentally and I’m on my spiritual journey and I can finally say I feel free and happy..
I have my days but now I've learned to work on myself,, I come first now.. what I say goes and nothing else matter but my babies happiness and mine.. I had to dig deep down and release the past because my crazy past was what was holding me back from being who I was destined to be. I’m not a bad person, I’ve always been a giver and a healer. And no matter what any one thinks of me it won’t ever change, I’m still the same person and even better at that. I hadn’t smiled or laughed like this in over 20 yrs and it feel great.
I let go of a lot of relationships who I realized weren’t really good for me some of those people were family,, family I was super close with but it was always something.. that I spoiled my kid to much mind you I’m a single mom with a career being a chef so yes me being able to buy her what she needs plus some extra doesn’t make me a bad mom nor does it mean I spoiled her.
I have watched so many self help videos on YouTube and thanks to my brother in-laws mom for pushing me to read my tarot cards it changed my world for the better. I realized how naturally spiritual I am. I always had the gift but I was to closed off or it to come to me that it never came.
Me seeing my dad when I was carried out the motel stayed on my mind for the longest time and for a while I was mad at my sister for taking my daughter to the motel with her not knowing how I would be, but then my sister told me my daughter was never there, it freaked me out. Now looking back my dad was letting me know he was watching over her and us.
I will be going back to work In a few months and I’m beyond excited. I spent countless of hours just watching videos and reading on nothing but cooking and spirituality and being the divine goddess I was destined to be. Every day is a journey but now I have learned to take care of me. If I'm not good everything around me isn’t good. I still see my therapist and I take my depression pill everyday, I’m In the final stages of healing my legs and still the doctors don’t understand how I’m walking again.
With the grace of God and my father I’m alive and moving and doing what I love.. depression runs in my family.. being in a Mexican family depression is not a subject that gets talked about, being molested or raped you don’t talk about those things. But that’s how they were raised growing up, I happened to be the person in my family who broke that curse. My intentions weren’t to end my life I just wanted to rest, I was so tired of everything in my life I let other’s run my world.
This past mothers day was super hard on me because I got the feeling and thought in my head that how can I be happy today knowing I almost ended my motherhood for being selfish, but with the help of my little brother and me venting to him that day he brought me back to reality and he let me know yea you fucked up but you woke up and your making life better for you and your baby and I was able to flip my mood and I enjoyed the rest of my mothers day with my baby and family. Depression isn’t easy, specially when you don’t have the right support or friends to talk. The choice I made to end things wasn’t the right answer because by me trying to end my life to make every one else’s life better, it was only bringing every one I loved even more pain and the thought of what it could of done to my baby brings tears to my eyes as I write this. She's the greatest gift I ever received, I have never wanted life more than I do now and I have to be patient. Patience is the one thing a lot of people with depression lack, because we want thing right then and there and when we don’t get it our worlds flip up side down and if you can’t snap out of it, it can lead you to a very bad path.
Drugs and alcohol don’t help the situation it actually makes it worse,, by the time the come down comes all those negative thoughts come rushing in so fast that they crush us even faster then they did before because they are trying to come out of us that when we take things we block our purpose in life. Everyday is a challenge people challenge us in the most ways possible because they know we won’t make it, because they are so use to the person who didn’t love themselves but they allowed every one to run them. I’ve lost a lot of people and I’m ok with it. I still stand tall, I still have my career and I still have my life and my family behind me. Karma has talked so bad about me at work, I’ve heard a few stories here and there so its going to be interesting to see her reaction when I go back to work.
I’m not a mean person so I’ll always be kind. My position at work I have to be a leader so having her work under me will only hurt her in the end because she will realize I’m not there to be friends I’m there to better myself for my future path into my career.. I’m finally doing what I was suppose to be doing 2 years ago. It’s never to late to start over, even if you have to start over 100 times, as long as you see the faults and mistakes you made along the way and you fix them.
My email is Berrysteak24@gmail.com for any one who reads this and needs some one to listen to them, I’m here. Don’t ever think you are alone. My story isn’t here to win something, yes it would be nice but for me is to send the message out that change is possible I went from having and thinking I had nothing to finally having everything I ever wanted in my life and that’s because I worked hard for it and I’m manifesting it for myself.
Its your life, we didn’t chose this life, this life choose us. Its up to us to live and take the right part for us. Every up or down take it as a lesson when you start to see things as a lesson things will get easier because it won’t affect you as much if things go bad or wrong, you’ll start to say ok that situation didn’t work out, what can I take from that and learn from it. I promise it does get better, surround yourself with good people and let go of what you can’t change but at the same time learn to love yourself. Because with out your love there wouldn’t be a you and you are everything to yourself. No one will do for you like you will.. do everything you ever wanted to do, of course with safety nothing crazy please lol. I went sky diving for the first time and I’m In love with the adventurous side of me I’m becoming addicted to wanting the better things in life because I deserve every ounce of it as you do too. You matter, you are worth every penny, your soul is bigger than anything else in this world. Believe in yourself and when you can’t send me an email and I shall remind you daily if I have too. A day with out you isn’t worth the time life is waiting for you to live. Live, laugh and learn and let go of what you cant change. Stay blessed and thank you for taking the
time to read my story, I know it was all over the place but I hope you understood the message behind it. You are worth it always. Always and forever.